I can’t sleep

Leo,

I’m so tired and I know I need to sleep but I can’t. I keep thinking about the moment I realized that something was wrong- the moment I told your dad to call 9-1-1 – the look on his face when I told him you weren’t breathing – the horror that I couldn’t yet accept when I laid you on my bedroom floor to start CPR. I need to sleep but I can’t because it reminds me of my last “goodnight”…the one I didn’t know was our last.

It’s been nearly seven years and not a moment goes by where I can’t feel that memory bubbling just below the surface. It’s become a part of me and I can’t see past it sometimes. People tell you that tomorrow isn’t promised and when you hear stuff like that you think, “oh yeah, so true,” but in the back of your mind you’re like “that’s cute- but tomorrow will come for me and my loved ones.” I know what it’s like to go to sleep as one person with one life and wake up completely changed with a completely different life. Tomorrow really isn’t promised.

I need to sleep but I can’t. What if I close my eyes and wake up to a completely changed life again? It could happen. I’d like to think it wouldn’t happen to me but we both know that it could. I don’t think I could survive another tragedy like ours.

I don’t want to close my eyes because I’m not ready to say goodnight to my beautiful family. My life over the past seven years has grown into a masterpiece mosaic made of the broken bits of my heart. It’s beauty dares you to try not to believe that God is real and that He is good.

Your sisters make me feel joy like I never imagined I’d ever feel again. They make me proud, they make me grateful, they lift my soul so high that I wonder if heaven isn’t right here in my house with us. Your dad is the love of my life, my best friend, the most spontaneous and energetic person I’ve ever encountered. If I close my eyes, will I ever get to see them smile again? I don’t want to risk it.

I need to sleep but I can’t because my life is so good and I don’t want it ripped away from me again.

I love you my beautiful son. My soul screams your name into the universe with every beat of my heart in hopes that you’d somehow come back to me. These are cries that will never be answered…won’t stop me from trying though.

I need to sleep. I’m going to close my eyes in faith and trust that God’s will for my life is bigger and better than anything I could ever dream up. I’ll see you in my dreams beautiful boy.

Love you forever and ever,

Mom

2 thoughts on “I can’t sleep

  1. Angela,
    Your words of love and tragedy touch all our hearts. I know Leo is safe in God’s arms but that doesn’t take away your pain and loss.
    May you continue to love fiercely and know that you have inspired others to find some sense of peace.
    Sending Love & Hugs,
    Susan James
    (Mom’s coworker)

  2. Angela our lose is real. Our heartache is real. Our pain is real. Our longing to see our sons once again is real. God’s promises are real! One day on that appointed time we will see and be with our sons again never to have to say goodbye! I love you Angela. Sending hugs your way!

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