I celebrated our birthday this year. It was really special and I actually felt happy. I got the sign you sent me when we went to visit you at the cemetery. I live for moments of confirmation like that one.
I know you’re still with me. I feel you. I miss you and I wish I could see you, hold you, snuggle you…be the mom to you that I am to your sisters.
Tomorrow is the anniversary of the day you left this Earth. Tonight is the anniversary of the last night I got to kiss your sweet warm cheeks. The next time I would see you- you would be dying in our arms. I hate that this is part of our story.
I’m really proud to tell you that I’ve lost all of the weight I gained after your death. I’ve finally let go of the physical manifestation of the weight of my grief- my “grief weight” as I called it. Physically, I feel so much better! Emotionally, well, suffice it to say that I’ve accepted your death, but it’s always going to hurt.
I try not to focus on that though. There are a million good memories of you, of our 26 days together, and of the miracles and signs you’ve sent me. I focus on those things because I want to continue feeling joy.
I love you, son. You’re my heart and I’ll miss you forever.