April 20, 2013
Today I visited your grave. I am so broken inside without you. People have been astoundingly kind and generous and yet, i still feel empty. I would trade all of the kindness and love to have you back. It’s hard sometimes to enjoy the beautiful gifts that god has given to us.
I pray for god to help me fill the emptiness with happiness. I pray that god continues to look after us and to take care of your soul. How I miss you, son. I am so confused by all of this. Sometimes I feel such despair and other times I’m okay and full of hope. In the end, hope will win, im sure. But my motherly aches and reflexes are still present, which makes it hard to even consider moving forward.
When Grandpa Terry closed your casket, I wanted to reach out and stop him. I thought, “don’t close it! He won’t be able to breathe!!” But realizing that you didn’t need to breathe hit me like a ton of bricks and I was filled with sadness. Sadness that I cannot protect you. I don’t even know what you’re going through. I cannot sympathize because I’ve never been to heaven. I have to rely on god and on you to comfort me. How wrong is that? I am looking to my three week old son to give me comfort, when not but a week ago, you relied on me for everything.
I’m so sorry you died, my son. I wish I could have done something for you. I wish I could have done CPR more effectively. I wish I had woken up sooner and not allowed you to sleep in our bed. I wish I would’ve taken my prenatal vitamins, not taken heartburn medicine, not given you gas drops.
But I’m not sure that any of those things would’ve changed the outcome.
I hate that we lost you. I hate that we had to bury you. I hate that my body aches for you and that I have to visit the spot where your body is laid to rest in the ground.
I love you with everything that I am.