Seven Months

Leo,

Yesterday marked my seventh month without you.  I try not to keep track of the time but sometimes it jumps out at me.  Although I feel like I’ve come a very long way since then, I think a big part of me will always be stuck on 4/11/13.  The person who went to sleep on 4/10/13 died on 4/11/13 along with you.  Yes, I am still physically here, and I’d like to think that I’m very emotionally present (your big sisters still need me), but my heart was broken so badly that it is unrecognizable.  I don’t look, act, or feel like the person I once was…and that’s probably a good thing.

God is moving my life forward without your physical presence but your soul, your memory, your imprint on my heart, is still near.  On the one hand, I feel stronger than ever, on the other hand, I feel so weak and sad that I could cry for days.  Lately, I’ve been feeling so insecure about myself.  I don’t know where this is coming from; exhaustion maybe?  I’ve also been feeling really hopeful and very encouraged, particularly when it comes to your death.  I feel like my journey is leading me somewhere.  I don’t know where, I don’t need to know where, I just know i’m going where I should be.  Anytime that I feel hopeful or joyful, I know i’m headed in the right direction.

It’s time for me to stretch my spiritual limits…I guess they haven’t been stretched enough this year?!  I feel very strongly that God is leading me even further outside of my comfort zone.  I’m seriously considering going on a missionary trip in the near future.  God gave me the life experiences that I’ve had so that I can accomplish something.  I’m supposed to use my pain, my weakness, my joy, my strength, to bring God’s kingdom to Earth.  It is weird for me to write that, but I really feel powerfully about this.

I long to see you again.  I cannot believe that you’re really gone.  A strange part of me keeps hoping that someone will knock on my door and say, “Leo’s here.”  But I know that those thoughts are  just my heart missing you.

I love you.

Always,

Mom

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