Yesterday marked my seventh month without you. I try not to keep track of the time but sometimes it jumps out at me. Although I feel like I’ve come a very long way since then, I think a big part of me will always be stuck on 4/11/13. The person who went to sleep on 4/10/13 died on 4/11/13 along with you. Yes, I am still physically here, and I’d like to think that I’m very emotionally present (your big sisters still need me), but my heart was broken so badly that it is unrecognizable. I don’t look, act, or feel like the person I once was…and that’s probably a good thing.
God is moving my life forward without your physical presence but your soul, your memory, your imprint on my heart, is still near. On the one hand, I feel stronger than ever, on the other hand, I feel so weak and sad that I could cry for days. Lately, I’ve been feeling so insecure about myself. I don’t know where this is coming from; exhaustion maybe? I’ve also been feeling really hopeful and very encouraged, particularly when it comes to your death. I feel like my journey is leading me somewhere. I don’t know where, I don’t need to know where, I just know i’m going where I should be. Anytime that I feel hopeful or joyful, I know i’m headed in the right direction.
It’s time for me to stretch my spiritual limits…I guess they haven’t been stretched enough this year?! I feel very strongly that God is leading me even further outside of my comfort zone. I’m seriously considering going on a missionary trip in the near future. God gave me the life experiences that I’ve had so that I can accomplish something. I’m supposed to use my pain, my weakness, my joy, my strength, to bring God’s kingdom to Earth. It is weird for me to write that, but I really feel powerfully about this.
I long to see you again. I cannot believe that you’re really gone. A strange part of me keeps hoping that someone will knock on my door and say, “Leo’s here.” But I know that those thoughts are just my heart missing you.
I love you.