Leo,

Where do I begin? I guess I’ll start by saying how discouraged I’m feeling. I’m filled with anxiety, pressure, and mistrust about you baby sister’s impending birth. I went to see the doctor today and at 38+4 weeks my cervix is closed.

I know that could change in an instant, but my heart just hurts. My labor with you lasted too long and since you ended up passing away from SIDS 26 days later, I can’t help but feel double the anxiety. As much as I want Zoe out of my womb, I also want her to stay put. When does the fear begin and end for the parents of a SIDS baby? I feel like Alice falling down the rabbit hole into a world filled with so much nonsense that it begins to make sense.

I find myself clenching my teeth all day, tensing my back, and being irritable because I am anxious. I keep hearing “trust me” over and over in my head and I know it’s a reminder to trust that God has equipped me to handle whatever life throws my way. But to be honest, life seemed a lot easier before my medical record stated “history of neonatal demise”.

I’m trying so hard to let go and to just put all of my anxiety into God’s hands but I haven’t been successful yet. I’m also trying to convince myself that I’ve got this, that I’ve done this before…but it clashes with letting go.

I’m a mess but I’m working on it.

One of my favorite songs is called “Oceans” by Hillsong. In that song, they say that they found God in the mystery, in the great unknown, where feet may fail. I think my feet are failing me and I need to just succumb to the mystery and let God lead me back to the place where my trust is without borders and I believe that I can walk on water.

Tonight, I’m saying a prayer for myself; that I can find myself and find God in the great unknown. After all, that’s where I’ve been living since the day you passed away. Zoe will get here when she is ready, she will be as healthy as God needs her to be, I will be able to move through the grief/joy confusion that I’m expecting with her arrival, and your dad and I will ask for help if we need it.

I love you son.

Yours,
Mom