Leo,

You’re a big brother now! It both makes me happy and breaks my heart to say that to you. Baby Zoe was born 10 days ago and she looks just like you. Your dad, sisters, and I are over the moon. We absolutely love this baby girl and feel so blessed to have her as a part of our family. We wish, more than anything, that you were here with us too.

In my heart, I know that you sent her to us, that you spent time with her before she arrived into this world; and that is comforting. She knows you, you know her, we are one family even though we are apart.

I have so many fears to overcome but the surprising part has been that I don’t struggle with the things I worried about before Zoe arrived. I don’t struggle with breastfeeding and wondering why it couldn’t be you and I don’t kiss her little feet and wish they were yours. My heart understood, the moment I laid eyes on Zoe, that you two are your own individual people. My heart understood that having Zoe didn’t make you any less mine.

I still long for the chance to nurse you to sleep, to kiss your tiny feet and your sweet face, to hold you just once more. Those feelings didn’t go away just because I am doing these things with Zoe. I actually feel closer to you. Zoe is this amazingly beautiful gift from God that you ushered into our lives. I feel lucky to have had 10 days with her so far and I pray that I get many many more decades with her and her sisters.

I said a prayer for Zoe the other night while I nursed her back to sleep. I prayed that she could live her life remembering Heaven. I know she was there with you before she came to us and I want that to be in the center of her heart. I want others to see God and love in her. I prayed that, if she died, or was supposed to die young, that God would take me or your dad instead. I prayed that she be kept safe and healthy for the duration of her life so that she may fulfill whatever it is that she was sent here to do. I prayed that God help me stay out of her way and allow her to be her own beautiful person, despite my fears and anxieties.

I can’t tell you how much I wish I had 4 living children, but since that isn’t my reality, I have to thank you for watching over your sisters the way I know you have been. Someday we will be together again. Until then, I have three crazy girls to bring up!

I love you my sweet baby Leo!

Always,
Mom