Milestone

Leo,

I’ve been wondering if 26 days would be a milestone for Zoe. 26 days marks your age on the day you passed away, but since you died of SIDS, and there are no symptoms, I originally thought that it wouldn’t be. Furthermore, since there is no real “safe” timeframe, what does 26 days really mean anyway?

As Zoe creeps up on her 26th day in 3 hours, I have found that it is a milestone. I don’t anticipate that I will feel a lot better after she survives the night tonight, but it’s one less thing for me to worry about. What happens next? I don’t know. How do I raise my rainbow baby after losing you? I have no idea.

Today I found myself religiously trying to do things distinctly different than I did on your 25th day. My mind and my heart are flooded with reminders of your life. I miss you terribly! I’m not gonna lie, it took some restraint for me to not put your hat on Zoe, swaddle her in your blanket, and give her the kiss goodbye that I wish I had given you.

I know, it’s weird! It’s not normal. It’s creepy and wrong. But you know, what’s normal anymore? My heart is broken beyond imagination. The heart wants strange things sometimes. But rest assured, I did no such thing. I said a prayer over her and your sisters, gave her a huge kiss, thought of you, and laid her in bed. We will keep an extra watchful eye on her tonight, please do the same.

I love you so much. See you at the Dia de Los Muertos celebration tomorrow.

Yours,
Mom

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