Que sera

There are so many things I want to say but I don’t know where to start or where it will lead my letter. Today has been a little tough. I almost couldn’t breathe when the memory of dr mahlouf, the ER doctor that night, told your dad and me that you “expired”. In a lot of ways, it feels like that night has never ended. I can still feel myself falling, I am still in disbelief, I am still in so much pain. And yet, people tell me they’re so happy that we have “accepted it”, that its time to have “another one”, that they are glad to see me move on. I will be the first to say that I know they’re only trying to be supportive and give me comfort. I will also be the first to say that they just don’t get it. But that’s okay with me. They don’t need to know my pain. All I want them to know is that you were real, you lived, you were amazing, you will not be replaced, and you are dearly missed and remembered with each breath that I take.
I am living my life in your honor. I am honoring you by living in God’s will, by helping God’s will be done through me. I have made so many changes in my life since you passed. I never expected any of this, but when you sincerely trust in God and in his divine plan for your individual life, well then, who could be against you? If it was meant to be, then it will be. Que sera, sera. Right?

This month, I have chosen to be baptized. I’ve resisted this my whole life, so it sort of makes me laugh that I’m one of “them” now. 🙂 I’m not getting baptized because I’m trying to dunk my way into Heaven, or because the Bible says so, or even because Zach did it. I’m doing it as a statement to myself. To say, “God, I know you’re there, I don’t doubt it anymore. God, I know you care about me…no…that you’re crazy about me, I don’t question that anymore. God, you spoke creation into existence, and I am humbled by your power. God, you gave your son for me…something I could never do. You are orchestrating your will through all of us, whether we believe it or not, but I am a willing participant. My baptism is a public declaration of my love for you, my trust in you, and of your constant presence in my life.”

I know i will see you again soon, my sweet boy.

Love, hugs, and lots of kisses,

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