It’s been a little while since I’ve written to you. I knew at some point that life would get in the way of my grief and I would be distracted from the things that make me feel closer to you; like writing you letters.
When I got to work today your picture popped up on my rotating desktop background. It was a photo that I put together of you, Alyssa, and Lily. I looked into your Hazel eyes and I could feel the pain of losing you bubbling just beneath the surface of my skin. You see, I don’t just suffer from a broken heart.
The day that I had to give up on all of my hopes and dreams for you was the day that I also gave up on my hopes and dreams for myself.
I’m certain that your dad feels the same way I do…probably worse. He isn’t doing as “well” as I am. I worry about him a lot and I am constantly praying that he can feel your presence around him, that he can sense that you’re still near, that he can understand how much we need him around, how much I want to see him start to heal.
Looking into your eyes in that picture…the only way I’ll ever get to see you again…I just felt so sad. You looked just like Alyssa; which means that you were going to look just like me. How am I supposed to let go of you? You were a part of me, you looked like me (or would have, with time), and you were my little buddy who I still love so very much.
But now, as time marches on, the memory of you, your smell, your face (your actual face, not the face I see in pictures), your expressions, your cry, the feeling of reciprocal love…fades. Sometimes you feel like a distant dream, which hurts because you were very real and you were very much my son, you still are.
And somehow, through all of this, I’m supposed to be able to let go of all the plans I had for you, all of the hopes I carried for you, all of the dreams I wished for you, and still be some kind of a whole person. I don’t understand that. My heart doesn’t understand that. A part of me literally and figuratively died. Giving up on my hopes and dreams for you means giving up on the hopes and dreams I had for myself and for my family.
Where does that leave me? Back to the drawing board, I guess. I have to create new hopes, new dreams, a new picture in my mind of what my life looks like, but this time it’s without you. This time, all of my hopes and dreams will include a little grassy patch at La Vista cemetery… A little grassy patch, where I buried you along with our hopes and dreams.
I love and miss you more than my words could ever describe.
All of my love,