The past couple of days have been really tough. I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I was holding a brand new baby, it was my baby, and people were coming to visit me. Your aunt had a new baby too, and as all of our visitors marveled at the two precious babies, I broke down. I ran to another room with the baby and cried. I cried because it should have been you in my arms. I cried because I felt guilty for loving this new baby, and I cried because that new baby wasn’t your soul returning to me, I woke up and I haven’t felt quite right since then.
I can feel it, it’s right there, knocking on my door, seeping in from underneath the door, pushing its way in; the darkness…it’s close because I’m so weak and vulnerable right now. My strength is low, my resolve is battered…I’m completely relying on Gods strength, resolve, and confidence. But that darkness, it’s always there, waiting for the moment that I stumble, the moment that I doubt God, the moment that I doubt myself.
It feels like, at any moment, I might just fall to the ground and cry a river so deep that I might just drown in it. That’s quite a scary feeling…teetering on the edge of darkness. I have been praying for God to help me be confident, to steel my resolve , so that I can walk in His light through the darkest time of my life.
Losing you was enough to completely destroy me…but I am more certain than ever that God is with me, helping me through this.
I love you and miss you more than words can ever convey. I wish you were still here with me. I know I will see you again someday…when I come home too.
Angela, thank you for sharing your intimate thoughts about your profound loss and your incredible journey with God. I’ve suffered through a miscarriage and the deaths of both parents, and God has always held me in the palm of his hand. We need to know we are not alone. Thank you for bravely sharing your real emotions and your journey. You will help so many people.