Leo,

Today I just want to die. I titled this letter “Don’t Get the Wrong Idea” because I don’t want anyone to think I’m suicidal but the truth is that I just want to die.  I miss you so much that it hurts and the pain is so intense that I wish I could lay down, go to sleep, and wake up in heaven with you. 

I’m plagued by this dense fog of sadness and despair that keeps me wondering if it’s my fault that you died.  I wonder what would have happened if I had been a different kind of mother to you.  A stricter, more vigilant mother who truly understood safe sleep…not the stuff that they teach you just to put you at ease, but real safe sleep practices. What if I had really understood the consequence?  What if I hadn’t felt exempt from tragedy?  

You second angelversary is on Saturday and I’m filled with fresh sadness. I wonder when I’ll enjoy the 26 days between our birthdays and your last day on earth.  I wonder when I’ll find peace.   I have no idea and my only real option is to put one foot in front of the other…

I love you.

Mom