Miss you

Leo,

I miss you. 

I can’t stop thinking about you.

I want you back.
I feel so alone sometimes.  My brain echoes with the horror of finding you lifeless in our bed.  That moment haunts my every thought.  

When do I get to see you again?  Why can’t I fill my head with memories of kissing your sweet chubby cheeks?

…believe it or not, those memories are actually more painful for me than the one of you not responding to my CPR efforts.  I think it’s because I want more and I can’t have it.  I don’t want more CPR, more investigation, more hospital, more blood…the horrible memories can stay right where they are; in the past. But I wish, so badly, that i could kiss you again.    

I’m so heartbroken. So.heart.b.r.o.k.e.n.

So broken. 

I love you doesn’t even begin to describe the depth of the fire the burns in my heart for you and your sisters, but it’s the best I’ve got.

I love you,

Mom

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