Leo,
Today a new sids study was published and it states that babies who sleep with their moms and dads are 5x more likely to die of sids even if they are breast feed and the parents don’t smoke or do drugs.

At first I thought, okay cool, new info. After I read the study, however, I realized that it doesn’t help me at all. It doesn’t change the fact that you’re gone. It doesn’t change the fact that you died doing the same thing your sisters did, the same thing our parents did with us, the same thing every animal does with their baby; sleep with your parents. All that article does is make me want to blame and regret and leave my mind open for evil and temptation.

What I want to know, scientifically, is why you were more fragile, why sleeping in our bed was more dangerous for you, why you didn’t last. Telling me that we increased your risk factor does not explain why you were at risk to begin with. It also doesn’t explain the quality of life or challenges that you might have had later in life. Why not? Because they don’t know. Because science is trying to fill in the blanks with random explanations.

I will tell you why you were more fragile. It’s because God made you that way. Your purpose in life was fulfilled in death. If God meant for you to be with us longer than 26 days, you would be. Does that mean that, if I could, I wouldn’t take it all back and make you cry yourself to sleep in your crib? No, it doesn’t. I would do anything for you, even now, and even long after you’ve gone. It only means that researchers are scrounging for answers that will only be revealed to us through God when he is ready for us to know. In the meantime, all of these clinical studies are just hurtful and imply that we didn’t do the right thing.

My Leo Terrance, I love and miss you with every beat of my heart. If I could’ve done more to save you, I most certainly would have.

Always,
Mom