I can vividly remember saying goodbye to your cold grey body at the hospital. I don’t know why that creeps into my mind, but when it does, I literally struggle to breathe. My chest tightens and my breathing becomes labored. I remember touching your ice cold arm and crying. I told you that I wished I could make you warm again. I would have, and still would today, give you anything to bring you back to me. What we went through was so unnatural. I should have never had to say goodbye to you. You were my healthy baby boy, my perfect son, my little buddy…and now I have to live on without you. Next week, you would have been 5 months old.
I hate that I can remember your face when you passed away more vividly than I can remember you alive. Will my life always be colored with sadness, even in good times? I think it will, because, no matter what good things happen to me and my family, you aren’t here with me…and that makes me feel really sad.
I dreamt that you were in my room last night, standing next to my bed. Is it you that talks to me, or am I simply imagining it? I miss you terribly. I wish I knew when Jesus was going to come and take me home too. I hope that I never ever have to go through another child loss, I am already terrified, horrified, depressed, and deeply traumatized by losing you. I don’t think my heart could handle losing another piece of myself, another perfect child, another one of God’s gifts that was supposed to be mine to nurture and treasure.
I love you son.
Always and Forever,