Changes

Leo,

My sweet sweet boy, it’s been a while since i’ve written you!  I have to say that it wasn’t unintentional, I have been in a period of transition and felt it would be best if I lay quietly for now.  So much of the pain and despair that I was feeling on a daily basis has changed.  It’s still there, don’t get me wrong (!!), but it’s different.  I’m filled with your presence in a way that I hesitate to share with anyone.  The whole crux of my blog and my letters to you has been to share my most uncensored thoughts and feelings as I go through my grief journey, but this one, I cannot yet share.  Though you already know.

The other day I caught myself admiring your sleeping sisters.  Notice I said “admiring” and not something along the lines of panicking or checking to make sure they’re still alive.  They were beautiful, peaceful, and my heart didn’t doubt that they were breathing.  I did give in after about 2 minutes to check for breathing, haha…I couldn’t help it.  Paranoia got the best of me. 

Tonight, I will blog again, and I know that i’ll be on a different path when I do.  I’ve already started down this road, but it will be “real” tonight.  Please stay near me as I go through this eventful day riddled with hopes and fears of all shapes and sizes.

I love you with all that I am, with all that I ever will be.

Yours forever,

Mom

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