Rise and Fall

Leo,

Well, much to my chagrin, the anxiety is creeping back in. I find myself awake at night wondering how I’m going to tell your dad that the girls have stopped breathing. At the same time, I somehow both hesitate and rush to check for the tell-tale rise and fall of your sister’s backs and chests. So much runs through my mind in a split second. I can’t believe we lost another child. How am I going to tell zach? How are we going to survive this? This can’t be happening again! And then, when I realize that they are still alive and well, I completely break down.

I was completely traumatized by your sudden and unexpected passing. I will never be able to sleep soundly again. I’ve lost my innocent trust that kids gets to grow up and grow old.

I miss you even more at those times because the pain is so raw. I wonder how I will be able to cope with this anxiety when your baby sister arrives. I can’t even quantify how many times I’ve woken up in a panic that I’ve lost the baby growing inside my womb. There is so much fear and disappointment swirling around me, particularly at night.

I have trust that I will get through all of these scary moments one at a time, but I really don’t like being under emotional attack. These are the times that I pray a little harder. I pray that God protects me from these attacks, that He protects my children, including the one in my womb, that He gives me peace and rest, and that He continues to remind me that He is good and that His plan is better than mine.

I miss your sweet face, Leo.

Love you forever,
Mom

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