I think about you all the time. As I’m driving, as I’m taking care of your sisters, and sometimes even when your dad is talking to me, I think about the letters I want to write to you…but I can’t find the time to write them. It seems that, when inspiration strikes, it’s too inconvenient to stop and write. That is so sad and so frustrating.
It doesn’t mean that I miss you any less though. You are a little beacon of hope in my life; a reminder that God really does exist and that Jesus is always with me, ready to take my burdens off my shoulders. For if i follow His plan, then so too are my burdens His. I trust that he has the answers and that he has my best interests at heart.
I used to want to take a leap of faith and believe that God is who I think he is…but instead, because of your short life and sudden death, I instead took a step of trust. I didn’t close my eyes and say, “okay God, if you’re real, don’t let me fall!” No, what I did was walk right off the edge and say,”your will be done. If I fall, I know you’ll catch me, if I’m meant to hit the ground, I know you’ll help me up. Your kingdom come, your will be done.” I think that’s the difference between faith and trust. Faith is the hope that your desired outcome will prevail at the hands of the unknown. Trust, is knowing that the outcome was destined for you. It may bring instant joy or it might hurt…a lot…and for a long time. But it’s that trust that helps you to move through the pain, because you know that it’s Gods plan and you trust that he’s got your best interest at heart.
I love you, son. I’m going to the cemetery to visit tomorrow…but I’m sure you’ll be near me from now until then. I’m sending you all my love and wishing I could kiss your sweet baby cheeks just once more. I miss you.