I hate to say this, but I sort of can’t wait for Christmas to be behind me. I’m usually so excited this time of year. We normally go and look at lights, visit Santa, drink lots of cocoa, decorate the house, have a huge xmas party…but this year…i’m just not feeling it. Thanksgiving was so awkward, uncomfortable, and just sad, I can only imagine that christmas is going to be worse. This year has been filled with so much pain; and not just because of your death, but also because of my dad’s sudden and unexpected passing. I felt so physically sick to my stomach on Thanksgiving that I went upstairs and laid down on your Nana’s bed (and NO, it wasn’t from too much turkey, haha).
I just keep blocking out the “would haves”. The thought of what it would have been like to feed you baby food at Thanksgiving and let you try some of the baby-friendly food just kills me. But in blocking those feelings, I’m also blocking the good too. It’s sad that I couldn’t really enjoy your big sister Alyssa eating an entire turkey leg like a Viking, or Lily running upstairs to snuggle up in Nana’s bed asking to watch “Dora”. I feel this innate need to protect my heart…but I think it’s only hurting me more.
The truth is that I need to trust that God will see me through the painful moments and will gift me with these beautiful, funny, messy, moments with your sisters and dad. If it means a stab to the heart when a “would have” crosses my mind, well, I guess I’ll just have to take the hit, because those beautiful moments…those are what I live for.
Thank you for always helping me find my way. I shouldn’t be surprised that all ways lead me back to God. I’ll do my best to enjoy the peaks and valleys of Christmas, knowing that your spirit is always with me, and that God will see me through this.
I love you and I miss you terribly.