The last day of innocence

Leo,

A year ago today I was the happiest mom of three beautiful and healthy children. I felt that I had everything, that I knew where life was headed, and that it was all your dad’s and my doing. We were on top of the world. When I kissed you goodnight, I had no idea that would be our last. April 10, 2013 was the last day of my innocence. April 10, 2013 was the last time I ever saw you alive. It pains me to look back at the person I was. Not only did I lose you, my handsome son, that night, but the person that I thought I was, the family that I thought I had, the path that I thought i was on, all died too. It was all ripped away from me with one goodnight kiss. I never did get to say goodbye…just goodnight. For the best, I suppose, since I know I will see you again when I wake up one day and find myself in heaven too.

Your dad and I have given ourselves space to grieve tonight and I find myself sad, confused, regretful, and literally sick to my stomach at the thought of how different we are today. We are better people now, but the price we had to pay…seems like too much. Not only do I want you back, but I want all of last year back. I missed out on so much of your sister’s lives just trying to muddle my way through the grief. I look at videos from last year and I wonder where the time went.

I can no longer say “oh,I can’t imagine what it would be like to lose a child.” My innocence is gone. All that I thought I knew is gone.

I lost a child, I am a bereaved mother, doing her very best to find a new path with her family. I am a Christ follower, doing her very best to trust that God is good and that your departure wasn’t a punishment, but a promise fulfilled. I am a wife, doing my best to keep her husband happy and feeling supported. I am a mother of two beautiful, lively daughters, doing her best to make sure they know and feel how much they are loved, adored, and wanted. I am an employee doing her best to hold it together at work to provide for her family. I don’t know a lot of things, but what I am sure of, is that I will wake up every day and live my life the best way I know how, in God’s bright light. I might not know where the staircase leads me, but I will faithfully keep taking steps, one at a time, until I get there.

I am so sad and so lost without you here, but your passing brought me a faith in Jesus that I’m not sure how i lived without before. I know the reasons for your death have not been fully revealed to me yet and that I’ve got some exciting lessons to learn in the future. Until then, your dad and I will do our best to honor your short but meaningful life the best way we can. Tonight, it’s by remembering your life and letting ourselves remember your death. Stay close to us tonight, son. I miss you.

All of my love,
Mom

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