Leo,

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of your death. Leading up to that day, I found myself confused and filled with fear. Fear that I would feel the pain of this loss afresh; fear that I would re-live that night with a renewed sense of memory and detail. I’m so relieved to say that yesterday wasn’t like that at all.

Yesterday, I felt sad, of course! But it was more of a dull ache than a fresh wound. I reflected a lot on how far we have come and on the losses that accompanied you. I lost my son, first and foremost. But I also lost out on precious time with my girls, your sisters, because of my grief. I lost family members, I lost the vision for my life, for my family, for my career…I lost my way.

But somehow, in all of this, I got somewhere, I got where I am today. So was I lost or was I just disoriented? God propelled my life forward and I couldn’t tell where I was going because it was somewhere I never dreamed of going, especially without you.

I’m so grateful and thankful that I was able to trust in God and Jesus amidst this trying time. I’m so elated that my faith has lasted this long, that I’m closer to your sisters than ever before, that my marriage to your dad didn’t fall apart but was strengthened. And now, baby Zoe is on her way. A new chapter in our tragic and beautiful story.

It would be easy to lay down and never get up again, to deny God and Jesus, to curse them for our misfortunes. But I personally find a lot more comfort in waking up every day and really living my life. I find so much more beauty in praising God for being so good to us. After all, I got to be your mother! I’m blessed to have spent 26 days with you. You were, and frankly still are, so amazing.

I miss you and I sing my love to you and your sisters with every breath that I take.

My everything,
Mom