Yesterday your Dad and I went to an event at church called “Night of Music”. I wasn’t overly excited about going, but we were here, your dad wanted to go, so I said, “what the heck”, and went. As we were listening to these musicians and watching some of them dance, move with the music, some turn inward and become shy and reserved, I started to have this feeling well up inside my heart.
It started as a feeling of pride. I was proud of these young students who were putting themselves out there, proud that they had passion for music and weren’t afraid to share. I started wondering what your sisters would look like of it were them on stage. Would Alyssa get shy or would she start dancing on stage? Would Lily play the guitar wearing a dress and no shoes?
These thoughts stopped me in my tracks. You see, when you died I had to bury my hopes for the future right along with you. I’ve been struggling a lot in the past several months with picking through the hopes I had to let go of because you were gone and the hopes i accidentally gave up that didn’t involve you directly, but still should have existed for your sisters. I realized a few months ago that I couldn’t imagine your sisters in college, as grown ups, as mothers, and I was really saddened by that.
But yesterday, watching those middle school students perform, I began to rebuild hope. I hadn’t thought about your sisters as adolescents, as teenagers. Watching those kids gave me back some hope. And i had the overwhelming sense of “rebuilding hope” being spoken into my heart. God showed me the first step to dreaming again. How do I go on hoping and dreaming when I’m not in control of outcomes? I finally know, I need to start small. It’s okay to hope, to dream, to desire but It’s not okay to count those hopes as promises.
Just like your passing was not a broken promise, but a promise fulfilled! Your life was never meant to last longer than your 26 days, but your impact, your ripple effect, will last a very long time.
Yesterday I began to dream again. To dream for the future of our family and of your sisters as individuals. And you know what? It felt really good. I know it might not happen the way I might dream and I’m okay with that.
I don’t know why God put you and these amazing girls in my life. I do know, however, that I’m so very grateful for it and that His will will be done. I trust wholeheartedly that God’s will is a good will that should be done, even if it isn’t what I would have chosen or what I dreamt would happen.
So to those young performers from last night: thank you for inspiring me to rebuild hope. Thank you for giving God the chance to work in me, to further his will.
I love you my handsome Leo.