May 2,2013
12:25 pm

Leo,
I’ve finally got a therapy appointment today. I hope she can help me understand what grief is, on a general level. Im having a hard time discerning if I’m getting depressed or if I’m grieving in a healthy way.
What I do know is that I miss you so much. I find myself wondering why God did this to me. But then, He tells me that he didn’t do this to me, He did it for me. I’m not sure i understand that, but it’s what He says. Someday, I will understand…until then, it’s torture. I have to remind myself to continue to trust in Gods plan. I suppose that the true challenge is not just trusting God right now, but continuing to trust Him.
It’s easy to trust when one thing doesn’t go your way. What happens when it’s two things, three, four, ten? Do i still trust God and his plan for me? I have to, because when you experience something as final as death and you know there is no “cure”, no bringing your loved one back, all you have is trust…all you’re left with is faith.
Death tore my heart open, but along with the pain, a huge amount of love flowed in too. I have to thank God for that and for the many lessons that your death has taught me. I am a better person because of you and because of Gods love. I still wish you were here though…
All my love,
Mom