May 14, 2013
I’m here at La Vista sitting next to your grave. I miss you so much.
Last night, Alyssa told me that she didn’t remember what you looked like. So I decided to show her and Lily some videos of you. God, that was so hard to do.
I miss the sound of your cry, the smell of your blankets, I miss changing your diaper, bathing you, and just simply being your mom. It is so different to be a mom to a child who has passed away. All of the things that I used to do to care for you are irrelevant. Now I maintain your grave, spend time designing your headstone, bring you flowers…and that’s it. You don’t need me for anything. Turns out, I need you now. I feel dependent on the memory of you to get me through the day. I think about you and talk about you everyday.
You have brought me so close to God and Jesus, and I know that in talking about you, I’m bringing others closer to them too. I’m so proud of you, son. You amaze me!
I love you with every piece of my heart and more.