Not Enough

Leo,

I saw your picture today at work and it hit me hard…you’re really gone.  Nobody is going to knock on my door or call me to say that you’re back; that there was a cure; that this didn’t really happen.  It’s really over and my heart is hurting so badly.  I know that you’re with God and I know that you keep us company sometimes, but selfishly, I want you here with me.  I miss your sweet chubby baby cheeks and your skinny newborn legs.  I miss kissing the bottom of your feet and the tip of your nose.  I long to hold your hand again and to smooth out the fine baby hair atop your delicate head. 

How could something like this happen to me?  Why was I given such a beautiful gift and then forced to give it up?  You did change my life in your short 26 days, and sometimes, that is satisfying enough to get through the day.  Today, however, it doesn’t come close to filling in my emptiness or mending my brokenness.  I just want you. 

My angel in heaven, I cannot fathom how I’m supposed to go through the rest of life feeling this way.  I can’t imagine how your sisters are feeling.  They had the best little brother and they loved you the same way I do.  We all miss you terribly and while I am here wishing you’d come home, my heart tells me that you’re already home and it’s you that is waiting for us to knock on the door and to come see you.  In due time, my sweet little son, I will hold you again.

Until then, just be with us, enjoy heaven, and know that we love and miss you.

Always,

Mom

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