April 30, 2013
11:41 pm

Hi son,
I’ve visited your grave everyday since we buried you on 4/19. Your dad and I miss you beyond anything that words could describe.
We went to Disneyland today and were so happy to see a stork on the dumbo ride. We knew, that moment, that you were with us.
I’m struggling now more than I had been before. People are still very much “there for us”, but the world has started to move on, and that makes me sad.
I love you with every ounce of my being. I’m so sorry you died and I’m so sorry you aren’t here to experience life with me. But that is all selfish, I’m sure. Rest in peace my sweet angel. We will meet again soon
Love,
Mom

April 23, 2011
11:21 am

My heart is so confused over this
I pray god shows me the way
To Put one foot in front of the other
Each and every day.
I pray for faithfulness
as I walk down this unknown path
To know that god is with me
Guiding me…..

April 22, 2013
2:51 pm

Hi Leo,
I visited you again today. Afterwards, when I was sitting down watching tv with your dad, I started feeling sad. How I miss you so much! Then, when everything started to feel confusing and depressing, I met a lady who lost her 2 month old 35 years ago. She went on to have two more kids who were healthy and who always knew their brother that had passed before they came.

Thank you, thank god, for putting her in my path today. I needed her to remind me that you’re not gone and that you will not be forgotten, even when life gets back to a new routine; you’ll be there with us; in spirit, in our hearts, and in our memories.
All my love,
Mom

April 21, 2013
11:24 am

Leo,
I forgot to mention to you, a story that Alyssa shared with me two or three days after you died.

She has been dreaming about you. Though, of this you’re probably aware, as I believe you really are speaking to her in her dreams.

She came to me and told me this story:
“Mommy, I dreamed of Leo last night.”
“Oh yeah?” I said. “What did you dream?”
“I forgived Leo,” she said, so nonchalantly.
“For what?” I asked.
“I forgive Leo for dying. And then he said he loved me and that I was a good big sister. And the he glowed and it was so bright that i waked up,” was her innocent reply.

Wow! What an amazing story. Thank you Leo, for bringing peace to your sister. You were a fabulous brother.

Love you,
Mom

April 21, 2013
11:19 am

Leo,
Today is your memorial service. After today, the rest of the world will move on…

Will I?

How?

Sitting in church this morning, I’m struck by the realization that, even though it doesn’t feel like it, your dad and I have come a long way in the last 10 days. I cannot believe that we made it this far. I have hope that, someday, I will look back and say “I can’t believe it’s been 3 months, 1 year, 5 years…” You get the picture.

I love you son. And even though the world keeps moving without you, you will always be in my heart. Our souls are forever connected.

All my love,
Mom

April 20, 2013
1:49 pm

Leo,
Today I visited your grave. I am so broken inside without you. People have been astoundingly kind and generous and yet, i still feel empty. I would trade all of the kindness and love to have you back. It’s hard sometimes to enjoy the beautiful gifts that god has given to us.

I pray for god to help me fill the emptiness with happiness. I pray that god continues to look after us and to take care of your soul. How I miss you, son. I am so confused by all of this. Sometimes I feel such despair and other times I’m okay and full of hope. In the end, hope will win, im sure. But my motherly aches and reflexes are still present, which makes it hard to even consider moving forward.

When Grandpa Terry closed your casket, I wanted to reach out and stop him. I thought, “don’t close it! He won’t be able to breathe!!” But realizing that you didn’t need to breathe hit me like a ton of bricks and I was filled with sadness. Sadness that I cannot protect you. I don’t even know what you’re going through. I cannot sympathize because I’ve never been to heaven. I have to rely on god and on you to comfort me. How wrong is that? I am looking to my three week old son to give me comfort, when not but a week ago, you relied on me for everything.

I’m so sorry you died, my son. I wish I could have done something for you. I wish I could have done CPR more effectively. I wish I had woken up sooner and not allowed you to sleep in our bed. I wish I would’ve taken my prenatal vitamins, not taken heartburn medicine, not given you gas drops.

But I’m not sure that any of those things would’ve changed the outcome.

I hate that we lost you. I hate that we had to bury you. I hate that my body aches for you and that I have to visit the spot where your body is laid to rest in the ground.

I love you with everything that I am.
Mom

April 19, 2013
11:48 pm

Leo,
Today was your funeral. It was so beautiful and so personal. I miss you dearly. I realized today, after I saw your little body, that your essence, your “Leo-ness” if you will, is gone. You’re already in heaven and we are burying just your body. The part that god created is gone and we are burying the part that Zach and I made. Kind of a strange realization, really.
In a way, I feel at peace knowing where your body is, knowing that you’re resting peacefully, and getting to say good night one last time. I even held your casket. I had to hold you one last time.
My sweet love, I don’t know why you had to leave us. All i do know is that I trust gods plan and that your death has shown me love, kindness,and compassion beyond anything I ever knew possible.
Enjoy your first night in your new home. I love you.
Mom

April 18, 2013
6:38 am

Good morning my sweet son,
I made it through one week without you. I’m not sure how or why one week feels like a milestone, but I made it. I didn’t think i would be able to. I miss you so much. Planning your funeral has been so full of marvelous experiences and yet so full of despair and sadness. I know that god is working in Zach and I through the loss of your life. I wish it didn’t have to be this way.
Tomorrow, we bury your body. Please know how much I adore you, miss you, and wish I could hold you once more. My son, I trust that god has a plan for us and that I will see you in heaven.
Forever,
Mom

April 17, 2013
6:25 am

Leo,
The pain of losing you Is so fresh in my heart. I hate that you had to go. I hate that I cannot reach out and touch you; that my only chance of connecting with you is in my dreams or in a vision or sign of some sort.

In my heart, I trust that god had some incredible reason for taking you. But in my head, I think; it’s just not fair.

I know one day i’ll be okay. I know someday we’ll meet again.

My sweet Leo Riggs. I love you forever,
Mom