I started writing letters to Leo the day after he passed away. I kept them private for a little while and I found such a closeness and so much comfort in each letter I wrote. I decided to create a private blog where I could safely store my letters and go back and read them some day to see how my grief moved in me. 

One day, a stranger commented on my blog and that’s when I realized that my letters could be healing to others too. So, I publicly shared http://www.survivingSIDS.com. 

My blog is a place where I share my grief in a very uncensored way. I don’t think it’s right for me to hide my sadness, anger, confusion, hope, acceptance, and faith.  I needed other grieving parents or friends of grieving parents to see only the truth, so that they could try and better help themselves or their friends.

I hope my words ignite a fire deep within you and I hope my words inspire hope, faith, and trust. 

#captureyourgrief

#whathealsyou

#words

Leo,

My idea of family changed so much when your sister Alyssa was born.  I had no idea what love was until I saw her sweet little face as the nurse tenderly placed her on my chest as soon as she was born. The world was trusting me and your dad with this little person!  The world was trusting us to do right by her, to teach her how to not only be a good person but to be a good steward of our resources, and to be a thoughtful contributor to humanity. 

I was not prepared for any of that!  I was just figuring life out myself.  But being a mother was a challenge that I accepted with open arms and an open heart. And it’s been so fun, and exhausting, and hilarious, and devastating. 

And with that, we welcomed Lily into to the world, confident in our parenting skills and with a plan for our future.  What a beautiful girl Lily was and is. It was incredible to see our two girls interacting and becoming something greater than the sum of their individual parts. 

Then one day we were surprised with another positive pregnancy test. It was you and I was so scared because I wasn’t ready for a third.  But we trusted that God didn’t give us more than we could handle and we knew we could overcome our fears. They were nothing compared to the blessing we knew you were. 

We had 26 days to figure out life with three kids and it was awesome. We had so much fun!  We visited so much family, so many friends, saw so many places and things. We were best buddies, you and me.  

And just like that, it was over. 

My idea of family changed when we lost you. It developed into something more substantive and something deeper. Family isn’t just who you can see. Just because you’re gone doesn’t mean you weren’t, aren’t my family. You’ll always be mine. And while a huge part of me feels like my family is missing a critical piece of itself, I’m filled with trust that you are right here with me.  

I love you boy!

Mom

#captureyourgrief

#whathealsyou

#family

#survivingSIDS

Day 7- Memory…I just can’t. Not today. 
My heart will cry out for you “as long as stars shine down from Heaven, and the rivers run into the sea, til the end of time, forever…”

 #whathealsyou #captureyourgrief #memory #survivingSIDS #jacivelasquez  

Leo,

Today’s subject is Dark + Light. I’m not going to lie, this has been a topic that I’ve struggled with since I was little.  Why does darkness exist?  Why do bad things happen to good people?  Why can’t things just be right, be happy, be easy?  

After you died, I was awash in both light and dark which swirled into the deepest parts of my being and mixed up everything I thought I knew. God’s light shone so brightly over my heart that I was, somehow, able to survive watching you die in our arms.  I was able to re-live the memory of trying to resuscitate you without being completely crippled. It wasn’t easy, actually, it still isn’t easy…I don’t expect those memories to ever fade away or be easy to accept, but I still survive. 

The photo that I chose for dark+light was taken by your dad and is of Alyssa in the firehouse at Disneyland.  After you died, your dad and I realized that we needed to show your sisters that, even though we were broken beyond belief, we were still a family and we still deserved to have each other and to enjoy life.  We chose “the happiest place on Earth” to celebrate you/us/each other.  

This picture shows that, even in darkness, beautiful things take shape and if it weren’t for the darkness, we wouldn’t know that light was shining.  

I love you sweet boy.  I know you’re having a wonderful time in Heaven.  Give grandpa Augie a big hug and kiss for us. 

Always,

Mom

#captureyourgrief

#whathealsyou

#dark+light

Leo,

It’s so hard for me to re-tell your story. Often times, people just want to know how you died, and I don’t hesitate to explain it to them, but that isn’t “your story”. 

There is so much to your story that even I don’t know. I speak about your birth, your life, your death, how these events have changed me, changed our family and friends, safe sleep, SIDS, and grief in general. But the reality is that I have no idea what’s going on with you up in Heaven. So I’ll do my best to tell the part of the story that I know and I pray that someday I’ll get to know the rest of it. 

I am participating in “Capture Your Grief” in your honor, Leo Terrence Riggs. You were a little boy who arrived on his mama’s birthday, and went to heaven only 26 days later. A little boy who seemed perfectly healthy, whose death completely betrayed his parent’s trust in the human body, but not their trust in God. A little boy, who went to sleep so happy, so satisfied, and so loved, whose body never woke back up; but whose spirit awoke in Heaven. A little boy whose death opened his parents hearts and showed them that the world is full of beauty and that God surrounds every living creature, especially in their darkest hours. 

I love you Leo. I’ll never stop. You are as much a part of me as I am of you. Part of you exists here on Earth, in me and part of me exists in Heaven, in you. One day we will be whole again. 

Always,

Mom

#captureyourgrief

#whathealsyou

#honor

#honour