Hi Leo,
Today is a really hard day for me and I’m not so sure why. I could not sleep last night despite my best efforts. I am overwhelmed by sadness and stress. The sadness, I get. The stress, though…? I have put my trust in God and I know that he has a plan for me. I’ve accepted that I might not like the way the plan works sometimes (e.g. Losing you), but still, I am worried about things.

How do I make that go away? How do I reconcile those thoughts in my mind? I feel like stress is the catalyst that turns sadness into anger and i really don’t want to live in that state very long.

I want you here with me so badly and I know your dad and sisters miss you so much too. Please just help me stay on track. I will listen to Gods urges and act on them faithfully. Your death will NOT be in vain, my son. I promise to fulfill Gods will…even if its the last thing I ever do.

All my love,
Mom

May 14, 2013
6:50pm

Hi Leo,

I’m here at La Vista sitting next to your grave. I miss you so much.

Last night, Alyssa told me that she didn’t remember what you looked like. So I decided to show her and Lily some videos of you. God, that was so hard to do.

I miss the sound of your cry, the smell of your blankets, I miss changing your diaper, bathing you, and just simply being your mom. It is so different to be a mom to a child who has passed away. All of the things that I used to do to care for you are irrelevant. Now I maintain your grave, spend time designing your headstone, bring you flowers…and that’s it. You don’t need me for anything. Turns out, I need you now. I feel dependent on the memory of you to get me through the day. I think about you and talk about you everyday.

You have brought me so close to God and Jesus, and I know that in talking about you, I’m bringing others closer to them too. I’m so proud of you, son. You amaze me!

I love you with every piece of my heart and more.

Always,
Mom

Leo,
Today was my first day back to work since my maternity leave began in February. Driving in, I posted on Facebook and prayed for god to give me strength and grace today. Driving into the parking lot, I almost had a panic attack. My heart was racing, my palms were sweating, and I was so nervous.

Once I got into my office, it took about 45 minutes before someone came up to talk to me. I had been feeling so lonely. She was really nice and wanted to talk about work drama. It was funny because it seems so insignificant to me. After she left my office I prayed again that God would use me to help his “will be done”.

About 15 minutes later, I got this crazy long text from Aunt Dawnell talking about my strength, and about how she can see God working through me. I so needed that message in that moment. I knew God had used her to answer my prayer.

Here is her message:

“Good morning Angela, I apologize for sending this late, but better late then never…..right? I want you to know that you and baby Leo are on my heart each and everyday, actually you all are but especially you. Angela you are the most courageous young mother I have ever known,you and Zach are absolutely amazing young parents and have just grown in your walk with The Lord in such a contagious,courageous and wonderful way. It has made telling your story so much easier because of the way both of you have let The Lord lead you through one of the most challenging times in your life…..when most would or could have taken it in a whole different direction,instead you let your faith in God grow and just grabbed onto it and ran with it, let me tell you it has been so inspiring to watch and see the amazing things God can do if you let him. It happened to me and what a wonderful experience it is….. even under the most difficult times.Baby Leo 😇is the most cherished and special little boy in Heaven as he was on earth, and that’s because of the beautiful way both you and Zach have handled his way to heaven. One other thing I wanted to say to you………. and that is if you ever decide to do something you said about that feeling of finding your purpose in life, I think you have found it and I think you could help so many others that this has happened to. You have a gift from God to do so when and if you are ready. If that time ever comes I am and will be your biggest👏👏cheerleader👏👏so with all that said HAPPY MOTHERS DAY ANGELA 🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹🌹I love you, you are one of the greatest Mothers ever!!!!!💕💓💗💖💞love Dawnell😘”

As the day went on and more people began talking to me, I began to openly be a witness to God’s grace and love. I was proud of myself because I had made a promise that I would bring my newfound faith to work with me. And when faced with the choice to talk about Leo, I took it. And when faced with the choice to talk about God and Jesus, I took it.

I know God is working through me and through my family’s loss to bring others to him. I was able to help alleviate some anxiety regarding a tumultuous political work atmosphere by sharing my renewed perspective after having lost you. It was so cool to see God working through me in that way and to more than just one person.

I am so sad that you aren’t physically here with me, but I am so thankful that God is here with me, walking with me. I am living with a Fearless Heart and it is amazing. I owe my strength to you, for giving your life so that God could do his will through your death. I love and miss you, my son.

Always,
Mom

May 11, 2013
4:40 pm

My Leo,
I’m feeling so sad right now. It’s Mother’s Day weekend and you’re not here with me. This sucks. I should not be at this wedding today. I should have you with me right now. I should be worried about how to handle this situation that Zach and I were put in. (He’s the best man in a wedding and its a no kids wedding). Losing you is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to go through. And I’m all alone. Zach is with the wedding party, my kids weren’t invited, and I’m just so alone.
It’s hard to go on without you. It’s not fair.

Love,
Mom

God give me the strength to be a part of society without my son.

Leo,

Tonight I found myself sobbing again. That’s three times this week that I found myself absolutely inconsolable. I love you so much. You were supposed to be here with me. I’m supposed to watch you grow old. I’m so glad that you’re in heaven and aren’t in any pain, but that doesn’t take my pain away. My heart will forever ache for you.

I know one day your dad and I will have another baby and that is going to be so hard. I want you. I miss you. I love you. I think it will be hard to love another baby.

I know I don’t need to worry about any of that, but I do sometimes. I just really miss you. I miss changing your diaper, giving you a bath, dressing you, kissing you, cuddling you, nursing you, letting your sisters play with you…everything. I miss it all. I would trade anything for another day with you.

I love you my son. Rest in peace until I get to heaven to be with you.

Love,
Mom

Leo,
I miss you so very much. My heart actually hurts right now. I didn’t realize that a broken heart could cause such physical pain.

I am feeling angry right now. I am overwhelmed by the sadness of accepting that you’re not here with me.

You should be here right now. We should be playing together. I should be tickling you, kissing your tummy and toes, holding your little hand. I should be overwhelmed by the chaos of having three children, not by the tedium of perfecting your headstone design.

I hate that this happened to me. I hate that your dad and sisters are hurting because of this loss. I hate that all I have left is your gravesite and pictures of you. I’m so mad.
This should not happen. Babies should not die. My babies should not die. You should not have died.

…but you did. And there was nothing I could have done to prevent it or to save you. How unfair is that?

I love you and a part of me really did die with you. But, because of your death, I was able to trust in God and Jesus. I know they will fill the emptiness with strength, love, compassion, and eventually happiness.

I am thinking of you at all times with love and adoration.

My sweet son. I love you.

Mom

May 6, 2013
1:55pm

Hi Leo,

You’ve officially been gone for as long as you were here. That is such a chilling thought and I still can’t believe you are gone. I can’t get over how much I miss and love you.

Your dad and I still come to the cemetery daily, although we will be going back to work soon, so I wonder how often we will get to come and spend time with you the way that we have been. Maybe we should quit our jobs and start working at La Vista. That would be something, wouldn’t it?

Your sisters miss you so much too. Every time Lily sees a picture of you, she starts shouting your name like crazy and won’t stop until she can hold the picture. Alyssa talks about you and sleeps with one of your blankets sometimes. At disneyland last week, she made a wish in Minnie’s wishing well that you were still here with us. It broke my heart all over again because I wish the same thing.

Anyway, my sweet son, I am always thinking about you and I love you dearly.

Yours,
Mom

Leo,
Your dad and I went to disneyland without your sisters yesterday. We wanted to have a moment to connect with each other and make sure we are both grieving separately and together. The last thing we want is for your sudden and unexpected passing allow us to drift apart.

After a fun day at the park, we were riding the shuttle back to our hotel when I began talking about the casket lining party that we are going to have in your honor for the Garden of Innocence (www.gardenofinnocence.com). Your dad said that we could put your picture under the lining of every casket and I laughed and said that everyone can write, “say ‘Hi’ to Leo for us!” As soon as I said that, the song on the radio ended and “Your Song” by Elton John came on. In that moment, I knew you were there with me because that was our song.

When you were born, both Elton John’s “Your Song” and Christina Aguilera’s “Contigo en la Distancia” popped into my head. This always happens when I have a baby, so whatever song comes to me, becomes the song I sing to my baby at night and while I’m breast feeding. Alyssa’s song is “the Way I Am” by Ingrid Michaelsson and Lily’s is “Songbird” by Fleetwood Mac. Those were both songs I listened to anyway. But with you, I never listened to Elton John. I knew the pooular songs like “Benny and the Jets” and “candle in the Wind” but not “Your Song”, so I had to learn it…otherwise I would have had the same line playing over and over in my head.

So when I heard it on the radio yesterday just after I asked the Garden of Innocence children to say “hi” to you, I knew you were there. Thank you for that beautiful sign.

I love you so much, Leo, and I miss you like crazy. I can’t wait to see you again. For you it will seem like the blink of an eye, for me it will feel like an eternity. I will wait until the end of time to see you again, my son. I would do anything for you.

All my love,
Mom

May 2,2013
12:25 pm

Leo,
I’ve finally got a therapy appointment today. I hope she can help me understand what grief is, on a general level. Im having a hard time discerning if I’m getting depressed or if I’m grieving in a healthy way.
What I do know is that I miss you so much. I find myself wondering why God did this to me. But then, He tells me that he didn’t do this to me, He did it for me. I’m not sure i understand that, but it’s what He says. Someday, I will understand…until then, it’s torture. I have to remind myself to continue to trust in Gods plan. I suppose that the true challenge is not just trusting God right now, but continuing to trust Him.
It’s easy to trust when one thing doesn’t go your way. What happens when it’s two things, three, four, ten? Do i still trust God and his plan for me? I have to, because when you experience something as final as death and you know there is no “cure”, no bringing your loved one back, all you have is trust…all you’re left with is faith.
Death tore my heart open, but along with the pain, a huge amount of love flowed in too. I have to thank God for that and for the many lessons that your death has taught me. I am a better person because of you and because of Gods love. I still wish you were here though…
All my love,
Mom

May 1, 2013
3:51 pm

Hey baby boy,
I have not stopped thinking about you and the adorable faces you used to make. I miss you so much that it actually hurts. I feel like I’m walking a fine line between grief and this bottomless pit of depression. It’s like I can see the pit and I’m constantly making sure i don’t fall in. But what if I do?
I pray that God continues to guide me and leads me down a path of healthy grief, a path where I Can both learn and teach others about grief. I pray that I can inspire others with our story. I know I didn’t lose you, because I know exactly where you are. But I did experience loss which is promptly filled in with regret, blame, sadness, hopelessness, confusion, anger and other temptations. I pray that God keeps those feelings at bay.
I love you Leo. Enjoy heaven! I will be there soon.
Love,
Mom