Darkness creeping in

by

Leo,

The past couple of days have been really tough. I had a dream about you a few nights ago. I was holding a brand new baby, it was my baby, and people were coming to visit me. Your aunt had a new baby too, and as all of our visitors marveled at the two precious babies, I broke down. I ran to another room with the baby and cried. I cried because it should have been you in my arms. I cried because I felt guilty for loving this new baby, and I cried because that new baby wasn’t your soul returning to me, I woke up and I haven’t felt quite right since then.

I can feel it, it’s right there, knocking on my door, seeping in from underneath the door, pushing its way in; the darkness…it’s close because I’m so weak and vulnerable right now. My strength is low, my resolve is battered…I’m completely relying on Gods strength, resolve, and confidence. But that darkness, it’s always there, waiting for the moment that I stumble, the moment that I doubt God, the moment that I doubt myself.

It feels like, at any moment, I might just fall to the ground and cry a river so deep that I might just drown in it. That’s quite a scary feeling…teetering on the edge of darkness. I have been praying for God to help me be confident, to steel my resolve , so that I can walk in His light through the darkest time of my life.

Losing you was enough to completely destroy me…but I am more certain than ever that God is with me, helping me through this.

I love you and miss you more than words can ever convey. I wish you were still here with me. I know I will see you again someday…when I come home too.

Forever,
Mom

Light

by

Leo,
I really miss you. Looking at your pictures brings me so much joy and so much sadness all at once. It’s like a flood of emotions takes over me. I feel that it’s in those moments that I’m most vulnerable. Those times when I struggle to breathe, when I’m overwhelmed, confused, weak, those are the moments that darkness tries to sink in. It would be so easy for me to get lost in despair. But I’m blessed that I remember to ask God to shine his light on me so that I can find my way. I am also blessed that God uses me to shine his light for others; that they might also find their way too.

I love you and I hope you like the altar we are preparing for dia de Los muertos!

All my love,
Mom

Going Public

by

So, I’m going to break my usual format and write to you, my readers, instead of to my boy, Leo.  I started this blog when Leo passed away.  It was a place where I could go and tell my son the things I could no longer tell him, since he was gone.  Surviving SIDS has really helped me understand a lot of my feelings and has helped me see where God is in some of my darkest moments.  I often leave my posts with a refreshed, renewed feeling; which is awesome considering how sad Zach and I are.  Consider yourself warned that this site is full of my unfiltered thoughts!  🙂 

We struggle every day with the most benign things because they may remind us that Leo is gone or that we might never get to do whatever it is with him.  We live our lives one day at a time and we SO appreciate the grace that people show to us.  We do our best to show the same grace in return. 

Nobody is perfect; I know we aren’t!  And when dealing with grief, sometimes people say things that they don’t mean, or they just don’t understand how much pain we are in because they’re dealing with stuff too.  We get that and we never want anyone to feel like they can’t be in pain because they think our pain is “worse”.  Pain is pain.   

To all of my friends and family at Journey and otherwise, Zach and I cannot find the words to tell you how VERY thankful we are for your presence in our lives.  We are so inspired by how you let God work through you to bring healing, peace, and joy, to people like us.  The meals you brought us, the hugs we got, the prayers, the cards, everything; we are so, so, so, moved and so thankful!  And even in our dark moments, when we were hurt by the actions of others or when we might have offended someone, God was still there, teaching us lessons. And we are thankful for those tough times too (even though we don’t like those moments very much!) 

We hope that God uses us the same way he has used you to reveal himself through our actions.

Love you all!

Angela

P.S.  you’ve GOT to check out the Garden of Innocence Website.  www.gardenofinnocence.com  What an amazing organization!!!!!  Lorraine’s kindness changed so much of our sadness into hope in the very beginning when Leo passed away. She gave us the gift of a handmade casket and it was the first time that we felt like we could somehow go on living.  Wow.  That’s a whole entire blog post on it’s own!  

New Beginnings

by

Leo,

I started a new job this week.  If you had asked me a month ago if I would leave UCSD, I would have said “No”.  I was perfectly comfortable there and it was really the only thing left in my life that hadn’t changed.

Since we sold our home, we have been looking to physically center our lives around family and the things that are important to us and we decided that La Mesa would be our next home.  As we were house hunting (we are still looking, by the way) I thought, “What if I worked closer to La Mesa?”.  So I jumped online and checked SDSU’s website; a natural transition from UCSD, and I saw a job posting that was very similar to what I was already doing.  I brushed it off, but as the weekend came and went, I was still thinking about changing jobs.  So I leaned into my trust in God and I applied.  I thought, if I was meant to change then it will happen.  I took things one small step at a time and each step led me right out of UCSD’s doors.  I was shocked, but it felt like the right move.

After I gave my notice, I began to realize just how unhappy I was at work.  I was asked to put on a smile after you and my dad passed away because my coworkers needed me to be 100%, even if I wasn’t feeling it.  So I took it as a request to act like a robot.  Come in, smile, sympathize with people whose lives are miserable because their workload, and pretend like everything was okay with me…when clearly, it was not.  And I was okay with that.  I thought it would help me somehow, even if I didn’t understand why I was told to act this way.  But God showed me a more honest path and I followed it.

I didn’t know how badly I was in need of a new beginning until one was handed to me.  I’m thankful to have a God that knows what’s best for me even when I don’t.

So far, my new job has been great.  People here have been genuine and seem happy.  Of course, nobody really wants to be at work, so i’m sure we’ll have our grumpy days, but it’s been a great first few days.  I’m filled with hope, happiness, joy, and relieved from stress, paranoia, and misery.  If you ask me, it sounds like God had something to do with this.

I wish you were still here with me so I could share these small joys with you.  I miss you every day and I think of you at all times.

I love you.

Mom

You are the stars

by

Leo,
I wanted to share something I told your sister Alyssa today.

You are my sunshine,
Lily is my moon,
Leo is the stars in the sky,
And my next baby is my rainbow.

 

After I said it, I realized the significance of the rainbow.  After parent’s experience a loss, their “subsequent baby” (which is sort of a cold term) is referred to as their “rainbow baby”.  It’s a reference to God’s promise after the great flood.  Sometimes i’m really surprised by what comes out of my mouth.

 

I think of you constantly.  You are the stars in the night sky, looking down on us and shining light in the darkness.
I miss you, Leo.

Love you,
Mom

Heart-broken

by

Leo,
I cannot even begin to describe how heart-broken I am. I miss you so much that it physically hurts. When I think about you the pain literally takes my breath away. I am still so very much in love with you and I struggle to give up on my dreams for you. I miss holding you. I miss not knowing what it feels like to try to save your child’s life. I miss thinking that I’m in control…my safe bubble that I used to live in. I miss watching your sisters sleep and not panicking because i think they died in their sleep too.

I am a mess without you, son. But the truth is…I was a mess when you were here too. I just don’t know how I’m supposed to go on living after all that I’ve been through. I think that’s the truly amazing part of being a faithful Christ-follower. I will do the natural, and God will do the supernatural (Joel osteen said that). As long as I get up every day and live my life in Gods grace, he will see me through it all.

I anxiously await the time when I can see you again.

I love you Leo.

Always,
Mom

Que sera

by

Leo,
There are so many things I want to say but I don’t know where to start or where it will lead my letter. Today has been a little tough. I almost couldn’t breathe when the memory of dr mahlouf, the ER doctor that night, told your dad and me that you “expired”. In a lot of ways, it feels like that night has never ended. I can still feel myself falling, I am still in disbelief, I am still in so much pain. And yet, people tell me they’re so happy that we have “accepted it”, that its time to have “another one”, that they are glad to see me move on. I will be the first to say that I know they’re only trying to be supportive and give me comfort. I will also be the first to say that they just don’t get it. But that’s okay with me. They don’t need to know my pain. All I want them to know is that you were real, you lived, you were amazing, you will not be replaced, and you are dearly missed and remembered with each breath that I take.
I am living my life in your honor. I am honoring you by living in God’s will, by helping God’s will be done through me. I have made so many changes in my life since you passed. I never expected any of this, but when you sincerely trust in God and in his divine plan for your individual life, well then, who could be against you? If it was meant to be, then it will be. Que sera, sera. Right?

This month, I have chosen to be baptized. I’ve resisted this my whole life, so it sort of makes me laugh that I’m one of “them” now. 🙂 I’m not getting baptized because I’m trying to dunk my way into Heaven, or because the Bible says so, or even because Zach did it. I’m doing it as a statement to myself. To say, “God, I know you’re there, I don’t doubt it anymore. God, I know you care about me…no…that you’re crazy about me, I don’t question that anymore. God, you spoke creation into existence, and I am humbled by your power. God, you gave your son for me…something I could never do. You are orchestrating your will through all of us, whether we believe it or not, but I am a willing participant. My baptism is a public declaration of my love for you, my trust in you, and of your constant presence in my life.”

I know i will see you again soon, my sweet boy.

Love, hugs, and lots of kisses,
Mom

Hopes and Dreams

by

Leo,

It’s been a little while since I’ve written to you. I knew at some point that life would get in the way of my grief and I would be distracted from the things that make me feel closer to you; like writing you letters.

When I got to work today your picture popped up on my rotating desktop background. It was a photo that I put together of you, Alyssa, and Lily. I looked into your Hazel eyes and I could feel the pain of losing you bubbling just beneath the surface of my skin. You see, I don’t just suffer from a broken heart.

The day that I had to give up on all of my hopes and dreams for you was the day that I also gave up on my hopes and dreams for myself.

I’m certain that your dad feels the same way I do…probably worse. He isn’t doing as “well” as I am. I worry about him a lot and I am constantly praying that he can feel your presence around him, that he can sense that you’re still near, that he can understand how much we need him around, how much I want to see him start to heal.

Looking into your eyes in that picture…the only way I’ll ever get to see you again…I just felt so sad. You looked just like Alyssa; which means that you were going to look just like me. How am I supposed to let go of you? You were a part of me, you looked like me (or would have, with time), and you were my little buddy who I still love so very much.

But now, as time marches on, the memory of you, your smell, your face (your actual face, not the face I see in pictures), your expressions, your cry, the feeling of reciprocal love…fades. Sometimes you feel like a distant dream, which hurts because you were very real and you were very much my son, you still are.

And somehow, through all of this, I’m supposed to be able to let go of all the plans I had for you, all of the hopes I carried for you, all of the dreams I wished for you, and still be some kind of a whole person. I don’t understand that. My heart doesn’t understand that. A part of me literally and figuratively died. Giving up on my hopes and dreams for you means giving up on the hopes and dreams I had for myself and for my family.

Where does that leave me? Back to the drawing board, I guess. I have to create new hopes, new dreams, a new picture in my mind of what my life looks like, but this time it’s without you. This time, all of my hopes and dreams will include a little grassy patch at La Vista cemetery… A little grassy patch, where I buried you along with our hopes and dreams.

I love and miss you more than my words could ever describe.

All of my love,

Mom

Called to serve

by

Leo,
I’m at church right now, listening to the pastor speak about God and how he reaches out and how we reach out in Gods name. As I was watching the video of community members who reached out and made a difference, something clicked into place.

After you passed away, I searched and searched for help, for support, for a life line. There was none. I went through the beginning stages of grief with this sense of purpose. I I knew God was working in me, through my pain, to let my experience make a difference, to help me provide support to others who are in a similar situation bit aren’t surrounded by the love that we were. I knew I was supposed to offer love to bereaved parents…I just didn’t know how. So, I conceded to believe that God will reveal His plan for me when the time is right.

Today, at church, watching the video of people who started helping kids in Haiti, it hit me. I am supposed to start my support ministry at Journey. It should be called Surrounded by Love, and I’m supposed to respond to grieving families and reach out to them with love, acceptance, and with helping hands. I will offer prayer and start prayer chains. I will work with kids to make cards to give to these families to being them a moment of joy, the same way I received joy from your dads students. I will offer to provide a casket if its an infant who passed away. I will find people to coordinate a meal train for the family. And mostly, I will show them gods love and support through my hands and just be someone who understands what they are going through.

My son, your life and death have inspired me beyond imagination. I’m so sad that you’re not here with me, but since I can’t have you back, I promise that my life will be purposeful, meaningful, and will bring others to God.

I love you!

Always,
Mom

Step of Trust

by

Leo,

I think about you all the time. As I’m driving, as I’m taking care of your sisters, and sometimes even when your dad is talking to me, I think about the letters I want to write to you…but I can’t find the time to write them. It seems that, when inspiration strikes, it’s too inconvenient to stop and write. That is so sad and so frustrating.

It doesn’t mean that I miss you any less though. You are a little beacon of hope in my life; a reminder that God really does exist and that Jesus is always with me, ready to take my burdens off my shoulders. For if i follow His plan, then so too are my burdens His. I trust that he has the answers and that he has my best interests at heart.

I used to want to take a leap of faith and believe that God is who I think he is…but instead, because of your short life and sudden death, I instead took a step of trust. I didn’t close my eyes and say, “okay God, if you’re real, don’t let me fall!” No, what I did was walk right off the edge and say,”your will be done. If I fall, I know you’ll catch me, if I’m meant to hit the ground, I know you’ll help me up. Your kingdom come, your will be done.” I think that’s the difference between faith and trust. Faith is the hope that your desired outcome will prevail at the hands of the unknown. Trust, is knowing that the outcome was destined for you. It may bring instant joy or it might hurt…a lot…and for a long time. But it’s that trust that helps you to move through the pain, because you know that it’s Gods plan and you trust that he’s got your best interest at heart.

I love you, son. I’m going to the cemetery to visit tomorrow…but I’m sure you’ll be near me from now until then. I’m sending you all my love and wishing I could kiss your sweet baby cheeks just once more. I miss you.

Forever yours,
Mom