Saved

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June 1, 2013
8:49am

Leo,
I’m at la vista again. As I’m staring at your pile of flowers, I started to recite the poem I chose for your bereavement cards, “If love could only have saved you, you never would’ve died.” When I heard in my head “love saved you”.

Thats when i realized that my love for you, my son, brought me to God to Jesus. My love for you saved me!

You’re incredible.

Love always,
Mom

Conflicted

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Leo,
Wow, life is crazy right now. I feel so close to God in one way and so far away at the same time. Does that make sense? It’s like, I fully trust in Gods plan, but I don’t feel him working in me the same way I used to. It’s probably just me ignoring gods gentle promptings. With the passing of your grandpa Augie, I have been so busy and focused on others and on other things that I haven’t taken the time to listen to what god is telling me.
I need to get better at praying. 🙂 that would probably help.
I have really been missing you. I’m still so heartbroken that you’re gone. Somedays I wish I be with you, but then I look at little Alys face and little Lily’s smile, and I think; how could I EVER leave them? I cannot wait to see you and yet, I still want to be here.
I’m feeling pretty lost and conflicted these days. As always, I love you with all my heart and I miss you like crazy.
Love you,
mom

Knowing everything

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If you could know everything that God knows, would you want to? I used to think that I would…and then 2013 happened (is happening). I felt the joy and perfection of giving birth to my amazing son, Leo. I had 26 amazing days with my bundle of pure joy and then I felt the tremendous loss and sadness of having him ripped from my arms because of SIDS.

I felt the glory of being lifted up by thousands of prayers being sent our way and of being surrounded by loving hearts and hands. I felt healing start as I began to establish some regularity in my recently broken life.

And then my dad passed away.

I hoped for the same experience I had with Leo’s passing, (love, compassion, kindness, hope) and I got just the opposite. I saw greed, selfishness, hate, and guilt. I felt suffering and sadness of a different kind.

Today, as I was reflecting on these two experiences, which happened within two months of one another, I began to realize that God sees these things all of the time, times one million. He sees the love and beauty right alongside the hate and ugliness. I only experienced a pin-prick of these emotions and yet, it was enough to humble my mind. I realized that I don’t want/need/get to know and see all that God can…and I’m okay with that.

Preventing the Loss

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Leo,
I’m so lost. I’m so confused, overwhelmed, and just complicated. My emotions are so mixed up right now. I miss you and I wish you were still here.

Today, your dad’s cousin had her second baby. We are so thrilled for them. It reminds me of bringing Lily home from the hospital. I saw the picture they posted of her, and it made me sad. I want to run to them and warn them about SIDS. I want to make sure they never ever feel the loss that we do. We want to help…but how can we?

I am so sleepy and emotionally exhausted. I love you and I hope to see you in my dreams.

Love,
Mom

Lost

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Leo,
I’m sitting here next to your grave right now…feeling completely lost, devoid of purpose, and running low on self worth. Losing you was impossible, losing my dad made it even harder. Have you ever heard someone say “infinity plus one”? That’s how I’m feeling. It seems ridiculous to think you can add 1 to infinity, and yet, when it happens, the burden of the extra 1 is still very real. Yes, 1 pales in comparison to infinity, but its still 1. It still comes with its own pain.

How do I find my way back to living life with purpose? I guess I just need to go back to living life one step at a time, moving forward only when it feels like the right thing to do. I should try to pray more and hear what God is prompting me to do. I should also act on those promptings, otherwise, what was the point, right?

I know that I’ve been putting off contacting dr Mary Neal and finishing writing about “my journey”. Looks like I’ve answered my own question. after I do those things, then I will find my new next step. Until then, I need to take a step. A step of faith, a step of trust, a step towards my purposeful self.

I love you so much and I miss you more than ever. Give my dad a big hug for me.

Until I see you again,
Mom

Too painful

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Leo,
It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. I hope you know that I haven’t forgotten about you…the reason I haven’t written is actually quite the opposite. On 6/20/13, your Papa Augie, my dad, passed away. You already know this, I’m sure. I am feeling numb right now. First my son, then my dad. I don’t know how I’m supposed survive all of this. I’m really struggling through each day right now.

You are the purest and most precious focal point in my life. The beauty that your death revealed to me was incredible. But by the same token, the ugliness and selfishness, and pride that I saw when my dad died was appalling. I need to re center my life on the positive side of things.

It’s just been so painful and so conflicting. I’m sad that my dad is gone, but I’m really comforted knowing that he is with you now and not in pain. It’s confusing.

Anyway, we had a big day today. We got some friends together to our together to honor your memory. We lined 17 caskets for the Garden of Innocence. It was an incredible experience.

I love you son. I know papa Augie is taking really good care of you.

Forever yours,
Mom

The next day

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4/12/13
7:48am

Dear Leo,
I woke up today so sad that you were not in bed next to me. I wanted to reach out and hug you, smile at you, kiss your sweet warm baby cheeks, and give you breast milk as we doze in and out of sleep; just like we did every day for the last three weeks.

I keep trying to understand why you’re not here with me, but I probably shouldn’t do that. I know that you’re with God, but selfishly, I want you with me. Please, help me to remember only our three weeks together and to stop focusing in the day your body stopped working. We had the best time together. I will miss laying in bed with you and watching American idol on DVR while I had a cup of coffee and loved on you as much as I wanted. I will miss kissing your tummy, your warm little feet, and especially your cheeks. I probably kissed your cheeks 500 times a day. It always made you smile and open your mouth, like you were trying to kiss me back.

You will always be in my heart; you are a piece of my heart. I will never ever forget you.

With all of my love,
Mom

Not Enough

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Leo,

I saw your picture today at work and it hit me hard…you’re really gone.  Nobody is going to knock on my door or call me to say that you’re back; that there was a cure; that this didn’t really happen.  It’s really over and my heart is hurting so badly.  I know that you’re with God and I know that you keep us company sometimes, but selfishly, I want you here with me.  I miss your sweet chubby baby cheeks and your skinny newborn legs.  I miss kissing the bottom of your feet and the tip of your nose.  I long to hold your hand again and to smooth out the fine baby hair atop your delicate head. 

How could something like this happen to me?  Why was I given such a beautiful gift and then forced to give it up?  You did change my life in your short 26 days, and sometimes, that is satisfying enough to get through the day.  Today, however, it doesn’t come close to filling in my emptiness or mending my brokenness.  I just want you. 

My angel in heaven, I cannot fathom how I’m supposed to go through the rest of life feeling this way.  I can’t imagine how your sisters are feeling.  They had the best little brother and they loved you the same way I do.  We all miss you terribly and while I am here wishing you’d come home, my heart tells me that you’re already home and it’s you that is waiting for us to knock on the door and to come see you.  In due time, my sweet little son, I will hold you again.

Until then, just be with us, enjoy heaven, and know that we love and miss you.

Always,

Mom

Mixed up

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Dear Leo,
Sometimes I find myself feeling so dizzy. I think that the stress of losing you, of watching over your sisters extra carefully, of waiting for a final cause of death, of mourning, is getting to me physically. There are days when I just can’t stop crying and I literally cry all day long. Then there are other days when I feel hopeful and like everything will be okay one day.

I don’t know…I’m all mixed up. I miss you so very badly and I love you with every piece of my heart.

Good night my sweet son,
Mom